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71 posts from August 2011

August 31, 2011

Taking after Daddy

When I was in junior high and high school, I was a proud member of the school’s drum corps.  During my six years as a member of our school’s competitive marching band, we won two six straight Massachusetts titles and two New England titles.

When your school doesn’t have a football team, the marching band can become kind of cool.   

In my tenure with the band, I marched in the Macy’s Day parade, the Rose Bowl and at Disney World. 

Some of my best memories come from my marching band days. 

It would appear that my daughter might be following in her Daddy’s footsteps. 

I mean, she’s only two years old and stumbled upon this drum kit set up at the mall, but it almost looks as though she knows what she is doing.

Right?

Or am I just being one of those fathers?

A new plan for dealing with the never-ending coffee clichés

I know I have attacked the institution of coffee before and also immediately reconsidered that same position.

But did you know that there are nine Dunkin’s Donuts within three miles of my home, and seven of them are located within my relatively small, suburban town?

My commute is about five minutes, and I pass two along the way.

Not to mention five Starbucks and an assorted of non-branded coffee shops.

The stuff is everywhere.

It’s also not uncommon for me to arrive at a meeting where the only beverage being served is coffee.

For the non-coffee drinker, it seems as if coffee can be found at every turn.

My complaint, however, has never been with coffee or the consumption of coffee, but once again, with the constant dialogue attached to coffee. 

The comments, the complaints, the Facebook updates, the tweets, the laments, and the jokes about needing that first cup.

I can get through a single day without being clichéd to death with coffee.

That’s the crux of the problem.  Drink as much coffee as you’d like, but could you all just stop talking about it so much, or at least find something new to say about it? 

In order to make me feel better, I’ve come up with a solution:

I am going to echo every coffee comment, complaint and cliché with an identical statement, except I will replace the word coffee with orange juice, a beverage which I consume almost every morning. 

You tell me that you need a cup of coffee to wake you up?

I’ll say the same for that glass of OJ I drank this morning.

You tell me that it’s going to be a “three cup day”?

I’ll lament my decision to drink just a single glass of orange juice this morning.

Tweet something like "The Black Canister has been unearthed! Coffee is nigh (an actual tweet from today).”

I’ll tweet, “The oranges have been picked and squeezed. OJ is nigh.”

This echoing of coffee commentary will serve two purposes:

1.  Maybe after hearing these overdone, overused, clichéd coffee diatribes in a new context, coffee drinkers will consider reducing the number of times they talk about their beverage of choice on a daily basis.

Is this a likely outcome?  No.  But it’s possible.

2.  More important, it will amuse me, and in doing so, make me happy.  It’s not uncommon for me to do something that is seemingly inane and meaningless in order to amuse myself, and while most people think these things are stupid and pointless, happiness is a commodity that is sorely lacking in many lives and one that I consider precious.  

If I can do this and sprinkle a little joy into my life without hurting anyone (and perhaps engendering a smile or two from others in the process), I’m in.

My wife also thought the idea was amusing and approved of the plan.  Elysha often serves as my barometer in these matters, distinguishing between the amusing and silly ideas and the downright stupid and potentially offensive ones. 

If only I paid better attention to her…

August 30, 2011

Hurricane Irene on the tongue

I took advantage of the excessive rain of Hurricane Irene to teach my daughter how to catch raindrops on her tongue.

Note that the sound effects were he doing.  She added them without my consent.

Your words are doing more harm than good

Today’s Living Social deal for Providence reads like this (with my added commentary):

In a city that's dripping with design (Cranston, Rhode Island?), it's sometimes difficult to define your own personal (font) style (Font? Is that supposed to be a play on words? The world’s first and hopefully last attempt at a font joke?). Walk away from the Wingdings (Another bad font joke? Seriously? And how many people will actually understand this unfunny joke and how many will be left wondering what the hell a Wingding is?) and into the salon with today's deal from Wil.O Design Studio in Cranston.

For $100, get a Brazilian blowout (What the hell is a Brazilian blowout?  Do I even want to know?). Or sit for a women's haircut and eyebrow shaping for $27. Spend just $20 to mix that perfect shade of bronze without touching Photoshop (Seriously?  A Photoshop joke, too?  “I’ve got the perfect shade of spray-on tan for you and I didn’t have to use Photoshop to find it!  Ha!”) with a full-body spray tan (Who does this anyway?). Armed with eco-friendly products and a fierce sense of what you need (Someone please explain what the hell a “fierce” sense of what I need is), the artists at Wil.O know what it takes to stay unique in a copycat world (Spray-on-tan will keep me looking unique? Are you kidding me?). And, after getting confident with today's deal, crafting the next design standard needn't take more than a single mouse-click or pen-stroke (Could they have constructed a more convoluted and confusing sentence is they had tried?).

After reading the copy twice, I was compelled to send the following email to Wil.O Design Studios this morning:

To Whom It May Concern:

Your Living Social deal arrived in my inbox today.  Though I do not currently require a full body spray tan or a Brazilian blowout, I would like to humbly offer my services in the future when it comes to writing ad copy for your business.  While I am certain that you are highly effective in your area of expertise, the copy for your Living Social deal leaves a great deal to be desired.  For a small fee, I would be more than happy to put my expertise with the written word to work for you, crafting a clear, cohesive ad that will appeal to discernible readers everywhere or editing ad copy that you produce.

I’d be more than happy to send you a list of my credentials if you are interested.

Best of luck with your Living Social deal and with all future endeavors.

I’ll let you know if someone responds.  

August 29, 2011

No buyer’s remorse here.

“Wait!” my wife said as she was heading upstairs to take a shower. She turned around, went into the living room and switched on the television. 

“What?” I asked. 

“I saw a commercial for the new Hard Knocks (HBO’s behind-the-scenes look at a NFL training camp).  I want to make sure we record it.”

Reaffirmation that I chose the right girl.

The best girl.

Amorphous, talking blobs do not sell books: Leaning to write physical description

When I wrote my first novel, SOMETHING MISSING, I was lost when it came to the physical description of characters, and the characterization of many secondary characters was entirely non-existent.  No one who read my original manuscript could tell how old my protagonist, Martin, was, or anything else about him in terms of appearance.

I’d venture to say that not a single word of physical description appeared anywhere in the first drafts of the book. 

There were a couple reasons for this. 

First, I possessed a genuine disinterest in physical description which had led to an inability to write it.  When reading, I tend to scan the passages of  description, looking for where the action and dialogue pick back up.  I am rarely concerned with how a character looks or even what the setting might be, and so I reflected this disinterest in my own writing. 

I am also a strong auditory learner with very little visual memory.  I can spend the entire day with my wife and daughter and not be able to tell you what they are wearing once they have left my sight.

I often can’t tell you what I’m wearing unless I look down.

Conversely, I can remember everything that was said to me during a day, oftentimes verbatim, and I can recall conversations from weeks, months and ever years earlier with great accuracy.  It sounds like a wonderful talent to possess, but those who know me best will tell you that it doesn’t make the nicest person at times. 

Sometimes it’s just better to forget what someone has said and move on.

My agent helped me a great deal during the revision process of SOMETHING MISSING in terms of physical description, and since then, I've gotten much better at it. 

I am more aware of it and therefore better at writing it.

A couple of strategies have also helped in this regard.  

Once I knew about my problem, I started keeping lists of physical descriptors that I could use later on.  I would pick up ideas from books that I was reading and by scanning faces in restaurants and identifying previously unnoticed personal attributes.  I would literally write things like, "Oh, there’s more than one kind of eyebrow" and "Women wear lots of different stuff in their hair!"  Eventually I started to find it easier to include these descriptors in my fiction.   

I've also started searching for photographs online that best represented certain characters in my fiction order to help facilitate the process of describing their physical characteristics. 

My current manuscript, for example, has a 16-year old punk girl in it, so I searched online for photos of punk teenagers, found one who looked about right, and saved it to my computer.  I referenced this photograph a great deal at the onset of the book and now I have the image of this character firmly set in my mind. 

There is also a flashback scene in my manuscript from the 1980's.  Unaware of female fashion at the time, I used Twitter to ask what punk girls from the 1980's looked like and received a bunch of responses that I am now incorporating into the book.

Slowly but surely, I have overcome this obstacle. 

As my books were later optioned for television and film, I was asked by producers, screenwriters and show runners who I envisioned playing Martin or Milo or some of the other characters from my novels, and for a long, long time I was unable to answer what should have been a simple question.

But since I had no real idea what my characters looked like, I was unable to envision an actor or actress to play them.

One producer asked, “I thought novelists envisioned an actor for each part in  their books?”

I didn’t have the nerve to tell him that all I ever envisioned was an amorphous, talking blob of humanity. 

I’m better now, both because I have overcome many of the barriers to physical description, and because I am better prepared for these kinds of questions.

But the biggest lesson I learned through this process has been this:

Just because something isn’t important to the writer doesn’t mean it isn’t important to the reader.  Writing is a two-way process.  You write the story as you see and hear it, but then you must revise the story for how the reader will see and hear it.

Forgetting to do so, or worse, refusing to do so, will leave your reader annoyed and lost.

If you are lucky enough to find a reader for your single-minded, inflexible, presumably precious narrative.     

Spitting in the eye of Hurricane Irene

The hurricane wasn’t exactly roaring when we went out to jump in the puddles, but the rain was most definitively hurricane rain.

I’m teaching my daughter to disrespect the power of Mother Nature.

August 28, 2011

We had some storm damage after all

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One of these things are not like the other

My wife bought the new Sebastien Braun picture book GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS on Amazon yesterday.

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While completing her purchase, she noticed the books that Amazon says are frequently bought along with Braun’s book.

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They are:

MICROCRAFTS by Margaret McGuire, which is described as a “step-by-step instructions for making tiny teddy bears, little ladybugs, petite porcupines, itsy-bitsy bikinis, and much, much more!  Microcrafts shows crafters how to create dozens of miniature treasures, each no larger than a spool of thread.”

NEGROPEDIA: THE ASSIMILATED NEGRO’S CRASH COURSE ON THE MODERN BLACK EXPERIENCE by Patrice Evans. The product description states that “Patrice Evans is The Assimilated Negro, a hyperobservant, savagely pop-savvy instigator bent on pranking the crap out of our modern racial discourse.”

Yeah.  I can see where these books might fit well with a book that’s description reads like this:

“Goldilocks is walking through the woods one day when she comes across the three bears' cozy cottage. Inside she finds three delicious bowls of porridge cooling on the table. What will the bears say when they return to find that she has tasted every one? Sebastien Braun brings this much-loved traditional tale to life in a simple retelling for the very young. The second title in the Story House collection, this is the perfect introduction to a timeless classic for the very young.”

The lesson: Kill mothers, fathers and children galore. But don’t ever kill the dog.

I Am Legend is a post-apocalyptic science fiction film loosely based upon Richard Matheson’s novel of the same name.  It stars Will Smith as one of the few survivors of a plague that has killed most of humankind and left many in a zombie/vampire-like state. 

It opened to the largest ever box office for a non-Christmas film released in December and was the  seventh highest grossing film of 2007. 

The film also sold 7 million DVD's, making it the sixth best selling DVD in 2008.  However Warner Bros. was reportedly “a little disappointed” by the film’s performance in the DVD market.

And I’ll tell you why sales were disappointing.

The dog.

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While helping to save Will Smith’s character from certain death, his dog becomes infected with the virus, and after much consternation, Smith’s character is forced to put the animal down.

It is the scene that prevents me from ever watching this film again, and I suspect it’s the scene that has suppressed DVD sales and has kept the film from being plastered all over the basic cable channels like so many other of Will Smith’s blockbuster movies.   

It’s not the violence or gore of the scene, because there is none.   

It’s because no one wants to see a dog die. 

It’s that simple.

Kill mothers and fathers and children galore, and people will be more than happy to watch the movie again and again. 

Smith’s blockbuster Independence Day is a perfect example.  Millions of people are killed in that movie, including the President’s wife, who dies tragically under the watchful eyes of her husband and daughter.

A father gives up his life while his son listens on and a best friend dies while Smith’s character looks on and can do nothing.

And like I Am Legend, there is a dog in that movie, too.  Once again, it’s a dog owned by Smith’s character.  In fact, the two dogs look so much alike that they could be the same dog. 

Perhaps they are.     

And guess what? 

The dog in Independence Day survives.   

It appears in the final scene of the film. 

And Independence Day airs on basic cable all the time. 

Warner Bros. left a lot of money on the table when they decided to kill that dog in I Am Legend.

For a great many people, including me, that film became unwatchable the second time around.